ginaaamarie

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 15:48:25 GMT

Just when things get so good, people feel the need to destroy it with a bunch of bullshit and lies. Ive never felt so good with anyone, he makes me so happy and i never want to hurt him. I want us to be the way we are forever, with the trust and the innocence and the feeling of letting ourselves go and fall for eachother.
He deosnt open to anyone or trust people, and he did to me, he started to. He finally got what hes wanted for so long..so we shoud be happy right?
yea well aparently his shitty ass "friends" dont think so. Im glad its so easy for people t make up a bunch of shit to try to ruin our relationship.
What kind of a friend deliberately goes out of their way to destroy what makes their friend happy. That little shit blatently lied because hes jealouse, becaues nick doesnt spend as enough time with him. Mabye Nick doesnt see him as much because hes tired of being taken advanatge of and used, good job ryan and micth, way to make him want to hang out with you more by lieing to him. I hate you, i will never forgive you for this. Your horrible people. you cant be happy for anyone if it doesnt benefit you. You need to destroy everything if your unhappy. How could you do this to your own friend, how could you make him hurt this much. Go Fuck yourself. I can see being a dick to me, its not the first time, your nice one minute and shitty the next..but you shouldnt be willing to do it to nick..make up w.e shit you want about me i dont care, but not if it's going to destroy nick.

I dont like you, this time its not going away, this time im not going to be nice. this time your done.

Mabye one day you'll grow up

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 02:49:30 GMT

Also im trying my hardest to move up to kingston. everything happens for a reason but i really want this. i really want to be with jess, it would be so amazing. i love you babygirl.

gill i miss you a lot

im a stinky friend im sorry, im sure you know how it is to want to spend every minute with that one boy, but i need to spread myself out more rather than just spending all my time in school hollister and up north. im sorry

i really want to do well in school too i just have no motivation, i dont feel liek doing anything when i get home, so i dont study or do my hw. its really not good.

this month is going to suck real real bad.
im probly going to close myself up a lot more too im sorry again, i will go into hybernation, i wont meant too but i will at least for a little while. im going to try my hardest not to.

ive been eating liek a beast, i dont liek being home

i love my loves
4 of the most important poeple in my life and you know who you are, lets have a get together as soon as we all can.

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 00:57:44 GMT

i dont know what it is about him, he makes me so happy. ive never felt so comfortable around anyone so fast. no other boy has ever made me feel this good and happy about myself. im so comfortable around him, im myself, he isnt judging me or critisizing me, he likes me all of me. He wants to get to know me, everything about me...that feels so good, and it feels even better to know that hes willing to open up to me so i can know just as much about him. I didnt think i could be so honest with a boyfreind. he makes me want to do well and suceed with my life. I cant explain it, this is what ive benn waiting for, i just never realized it, i didnt think something this perfect existed..i didnt think i would ever deserve it. hes what matters hes what keeps me happy. i know it seems so sudden i know..i cant believe how comfortable i am with him and how good it is. i dont feel any doubts, it couldnt get better..well mabye if we lived closer but thats it
i sound like such a loser
but i really dont care

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 17:52:01 GMT

ive come to realize more and mroe how much people take advantage of me then shit all over me. im too considerate of oterh people feelings when they have no regard for mine. time to get a backbone. i just wish it was that easy.
why is it that i always feel bad for people, everyone all the time even if i dont have anythign to do with their situation or barely know them ill want to help them anyway i can. i set myself up to teh disapointment of the world. i would think that doing a nice thing for someone would come back around but it never does. only a select few would actually go out of their for me, to help me any way they can..at least i hope so.
i need to learn how to say no and speak up when i need to, ratehr than just keeping quiet and doing things id rather not do or be places id rather not be. i just dont want to disappoint people, i dont want them to be unhappy
im so stupid for it i know btu i cant just change how i feel, i worry abotu people constantly and i alwasy feel guitly about everything. i cant change my reaction to situations. i wish i could.
iguess it proves who people really are. if theyre sincerly my friend i wouldnt dissapoint tehm constantly, they would be unappreciative, and tehy def wouldnt take advantage of me.

i feel like saying fuck everyone i have who i need, and yet i cant stick to my words. i cave in and keep a smile on my face. i dont ever want to hurt anyone so i allow them to hurt me.

im destined for letdown.

its sad to see. i thought theyre were more people who felt the way i do, who regard other people feelings but i guess i was wrong. very wrong.

its funny ive really never hated anyone in my life until recently, or so i thought. i cant keep that hate for more than a maximum of a couple days and then i feel bad and guilty. why?! it doesnt make sense.

uhhh.
i need an adventure. a getaway. with him, with the ones who matter.
i didnt see jess gill or adam this weekend for more than a little while. i miss them so much.

my nightmares are haunting me, im so scared of loosing people lately. i hate this time of year.

the reality of everything sucks. people suck.

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 00:28:53 GMT

Ive been real bummed out and unhappy this week. Im just real run down. schools bringing me donwn too and i know i need to go. i want to have interest in it, i just dont. It sucks having to balance school work and a social life. I just want to work full time for awhile. i need more sleep, that i can get and will get tonight.
my ear is killing me and its giving me a headache..well that and i ate a bunch of cupcake frosting ha. uhhh my ears!! im too impatient

and wow my grams just came home and i asked her to pick me up a calender...yea she got me a Maxim calendar..you know with half naked girls hahahaha wow she goes "well i figured you could look at their underwear and then go lingere shopping, and i figure you can show your boyfriend and hell get a kick out of it" ...hahha thanks grams

Speaking of that amazing boy, idk what it is about him but he makes me feel so good. I can def say that he makes me feel something i havnt felt before but i dont think any 2 people will ever make anyone feel the same. Saturday was nice, really nice..it woke me up a little bit. I really do like him, more than i thought i would. It scares me a little bit..i really want things to go well and i have a feeling they will. Hes so good to me. No doubts, i trust him more than most.

once again..one dead three wounded..i dont even want to think about it, it upsets me too much

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 06:32:00 GMT

WHAT THE FUCK!!
sooo unhappy right now
bummer

theyre so amazing..so dissapointed

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 01:10:34 GMT

ive been in north carolina for the past weekend and im so tired and homesick. i hate missing out on things. i hate missing people and i do very much so.
i officially have the cutest/sweetest boyfriend ever. <3
also hollister on tuesday..yay new job haha

tired and cranky..putting off doing my homework. i want to do it i just dont feel like it. its not interesting enough. haha im horrible at school

uhh i need my jess gill and adam asap

andrew is gone. ive been choosing to pretend he wasnt going to leave..still kinda am. its gunna hit me when he cant just come over any time i need him. i wish all the people i loved and cared about could be in one town, the same town as me. no more traveling everywhere and haveing to spread out my time and myself. ill be going to the city to see him i have to. idk what im going to do with out him. ive always taken advantage of him i just think hell alwasy be mine and be by my side..yea im real silly sometimes. if and when he gets a girlfriend img oign to hate her. im going to be mad at him cuz no matter what in my eyes she wont be good enough. i hate being that bitchy best friend but im gunna be and i cant help it.
speaking of im pretty sure its that exact case with nicks friend..she hates me. and the sad things is i know it doesnt matter to him. i hope my opion matters to andrew enought to take my feelings into concideration. he can date whoever he wants i better still get my andrew time though. i dont even know why im thinking about this.
im rambling
i cant help it
im bored and have nothing else to do otehr than think

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 03:43:37 GMT

really wierd seeing him today
weird in a good way
it was nice, its been probly 8 months since i last saw or even talked to him.
i knew it was gunna happen on of these days..i mean we go to the same school. it was nice i hope he doesnt disapear again it was really good being able to talk to him.
hes still the same
i was expecting that too
hmm

well see how this year goes

otherwise
<3
no questions no doubts. its so good
o boy you make me feel amazing

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:51:04 GMT

school wasnt too bad

3 hours
uhhh
come home
i miss you
i want to give in, i want to kiss you and squeeze you and make you smile.
i cant get you out of my mind, i have a good feeling about all of this.
<3
thursday cant come soon enough..major cuddle session, giggles and complete gayness. it will be cute

I deserve all of this and i he treats me like i should be treated, hes sweet, smart and has goals in life. hes charming and doesnt care waht people think, just how he feels. hes willing to come and see me in fact he goes out of his way to see me. Hes honest and appreciates me. He compliments me..

its different but i can def get used to it. hes so perfect

________________________________________________<33333333

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 21:47:27 GMT

all of my doubts have faded. i only care about right now, forget about the future. He makes me smile constantly. he holds my hand and when he looks at me i know hes sincere. i have been happy with him and to question would be a horrible mistake. i want to be in his arms so bad right ,i got so used to having him aorund so much and now hes 3 hours away and ill be sleeping in my bed for the first time in weeks tonight and ill be alone. big time bummer.
school starts tomorow, time to be restrained again. ill see how it goes and see what happens with hollister or whatever job i do get and im hoping ot move in with jess..as long as it doesnt start a war with mom and as long as i can afford it. im kinda nervouse about ti all. i hate lots or responsibilty and and restraints

i have some of the greatest friends in the world amonst all the shitty people out there. ive met so many people in the past year several of who mean more to me then anything else. this summer ive met a bunch of people too who i def look forward to getting to know more.
no room for shitty people.

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 00:36:55 GMT

so tired, i need to start sleeping more
hopefully i will tonight
i get to cuddle with jess all night! uhh i miss it so much.

i cant explain it but everytime im around him cant help but smile. hes real sweet and cute but mabye im just bad news for him..i feel like im eventually going to hurt him and i dont want that at all. i hope it ends up real good.

i cant stop thinking about you and no matter how much i try to put it in the back of my mind i miss you more and more each day. you dont leave my thoughts or my heart. its so hard.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:05:54 GMT

im so tired, its good to be home by myself for the night. time to sleep and breath and think and relax.
connecticut was so much fun, i wouldnt mind going back, i like taking trips, i like traveling and getting away.
comeback kid was alot of fun, tehyre still just as amazing as theyw ere last year. my shoes are ruined from people stepping on me but it was worth it. then i spent the night with a bunch of good people.
im not really sure where things are going..theyre real good. i mean im sure i know what he wants but idk whats goign to happen. im not sure what i want or what im ready for. my mind is 1000 places at once.
school starts in a week, new job on sudnay..things will change. i hope not too much. and if so i hope it stays good, i hate being tied down and commited to things. i just want to do what i want.

back to kingston tomorow

i miss andrew. i dont want to let him go. but i guess thats life. ehhh...
<3 i wont let him go hell always be mine

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 16:48:46 GMT

this week has been real good
im all smiles all week and i cant stop..its sickening haha
i hope it stays this way.. its good to be happy

Connecticut is awesome, we got here later than we were expecting but no biggy. the town is adorable. yay for the beach tomorow!!! i cant wait. Gills brother's apartment is so nice and his bed is beyond comfy haha.

Comback Kid on Sunday!!!! its been way too long since i last saw them. and i get to see a super cute boy<3

i dont want this summer to end

3 strikes and your out

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 21:09:33 GMT

ive learned your appologies mean nothing

i thought things were going to be better. wishful thinking turned to disapointment once more.
you told me you were sorry but you obviously didnt mean it. this time sorry isnt good enough.

it just makes me sick to think you ever loved me, i could never of done anything like this to you, you were out to ruin me because your hurting from your mistakes, form what you left behind. theres no reason for your grudges against me all i did was let go. now its your turn, let go of what you threw away.

mabye youll find whatever it is that you lookng for, mabye youll find the person you used to be, the person i once knew and loved. you lost yourself. i tried to help, i just wont help you any longer...i cant.

i cant forgive you, not now. i want to but i cant. no one has ever disrespected me more than you have i have never loved and hated someone so much. i have never been so angry.

mabye one day you can prove your words true, mabye youll do what you say and then mabye we can try to fix things. you need to fix yourself first. not for me or anyone else but for yourself. find out who you are what you want from life.

im sorry i wont be here for you anymore.. believe me it hurts me real bad.. i only want the best for you but you dont give me a choice.

goodbye

uhhh

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 09:03:50 GMT

real cool

why is it all the happy moments turn into dispaointments these days?
im not much of a fighter. unfortunatly ill give up.

Also to be home sucks real bad.

i do it to myself

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 08:03:43 GMT

i never knew anyone could be so horrible

i dont understadn why people would lie about me. why would someone i dont even know lie about me.

im so done here

dont tell me my friends talk to you behind my back.

i fel liek i cant trust anyone. i am alone. i alwasy will be i guess it just alwasy wishful thinking that mabye someone will be different. but evryone leave everyone is jts looking out for theyre own benfit. why are there so many selfish people. i want to be able to trust and be able to feel confident in saying things to the people i trut. i dont say anything about your buisness.

i wish i was going away this year, i dont want to wait till next year.
i need to start life.

everything was so good with out you. i thought yu wanted to see me i thought you wanted to be friends but tahst just you fucking with me again.

o and for you to leave me a message telling me you were going to hack up my body in front of my family in my casket..thast real sweet seeing as what ive gone through. your heartless. i cant believe ive ever loved you i cant believe im crying because of you. thank you matt. thank you for showing me how twisted people really are. trsut no one. love no one. the world is out to fuck you over. thats what you wanted

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 06:24:29 GMT

im so done

how could you?

why do i feel like this..why do YOU make me feel like this.

how coud you say those things

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:24:57 GMT

i think i know what i want
then i change my mind

im happy
real happy

i just feel so incomplete
i would realy like to get out, be on my own, be my own person. i wish it was easier...everything will change if i do. it could be real good or real bad.

last night

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:13:55 GMT

was such a good night. i was so worried and it went so well. i have some of the best friends in the world. jess and gill ae the best girls in the world and we dominated that slip and slide. mom loved you all haha

disappointed but i knew i would be
it shouldnt hurt but it did.

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 14:37:42 GMT

nervous

i just need to breath.
hoping all goes well tonight.

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 01:52:10 GMT

hypocrit

why do i even care

keep dreaming

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 05:01:58 GMT

i make myself sick

im tired of it
no one knows the meaning of being a friend any more

sometimes i would really like to disapear..go somewhere far.

funny..
i fear being alone and i just want to be loved i want honesty and commitment i want somthing real, someone just for me. to be all mine and i can be theres, no let downs, no worries... altho im starting to doubt its out there.
....and right now i cant think of anything better then to get away. anywhere.. mabye lay in a field and watch the sky turn into night see the birds fly and all the sounds around me..just total emptiness and to be alone. i wouldnt mind being surouded by strangers either. i want to go back to cali and sit on a bench and just watch people go by and hear little peices of their conversations and wonder what theyre talking about, mabye make up my own story for them. call me crazy i dont really care. thats just something i enjoy doing. i want to find myself. i want to find someone who wants to hear my story and become a part of it.

i miss her more and more every day and more and more i feel like i cant live with out her. people told me it was goign to get easier. but how can it i dont have my best friend, the one person i always need and who would always be there for me. everyone else will screw me over but she was supposed to be here for me. i feel alone and empty..i want to feel normal again, i want her here again or id like to be with her. i need her.

no one cares to listen.. i dont care to talk. you wont understand. only she would. and shes the one thats not here. once again funny how it works out..she left me too

i want to leave. i want to disapear
i want to trust and believe
i walk away from everything, i walk away from people who mean the most. but what does that mean?..mean the most? notice how we change friends when our lives change..we just need someone who can be there for now. i want someone who wnats to be there forever someone who wont let me walk away

i dont

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 08:51:38 GMT

know anymore

about anything

i just want to be ok. i just want everything to be ok.
someone always has to be the victim. its not right.

home

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:34:44 GMT

lets see what happens

tired
i got a little suprise today..it was very unexpected

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 08:28:55 GMT

its been a good week. its had its ups and downs. ive come to the conlucions my cousins are insane but i love them anyway.

i miss home, i miss people.

ive done alot of thinking this week.
im pretty happy but i cant say i wouldnt change things, cuz i would. theyre are several things that arent exactly how id like it right now. i dont know how to change them or what to do or even how i want them to be i just know i dont like them
my nightmares are getting rediculous and i cant sleep anymore.
in a way i feel completly lost.
i come out here, and its different world im just a little part of it. im so sick of people not careing or recognizing another person. i dont think its a lot to ask to be curteuos to those around us. idk i like it here. i like where i am and how i feel. i wish i could just go off by myself and figure things out.
im tired of people and their drama i just want things to be different. i want things to be simple, i want to be respected and im tired of asking for it.
i dont want to write about you or any one person in particular, i just wish we could be normal to eachother.

as much as i love to be with poeple and have poeple love me and to be cared for and to care for them i feel like staying here and being on my own..being who i want to be and starting over.
dont get me wrong i love you guys so much, you are what make me smile everyday, i just dont feel confident about what i want in life. i need to figure that out.
regardless of what i want i will be home for the next year of my life, and then who knows.

she should be here and shes not, soemtimes it hurts to just breath. i want her here with us. i would have a better sense of where i belong with her. i wish things could be different.
if only they knew

nothing seems to be working out for me these days with people

only time will tell